for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament