I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video