I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon