Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
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Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!