Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.