for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament