How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.