I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
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Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed