I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.