I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.