Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born