Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes