We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dating After Heartbreak
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!