You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade