I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
28 â€˜Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweetsâ€™ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.