In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude