Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
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My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
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He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape