Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.