Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.