Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
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I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
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That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??