they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
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If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
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I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
North Korea, Best Korea!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.