Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk