Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
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These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk