my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay