I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me