why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.