I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
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You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.