Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids