Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.