I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.