I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.