I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
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Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.