I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
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Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.