We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
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Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.