Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.