So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability