nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.