When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through