I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.