she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".