hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.