Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.