There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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