If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!