Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security