Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting