I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
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I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
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I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop