I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.