Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...