I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
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I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
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I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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