I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her