This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her