You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Then again, he has huge mansions.
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I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
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You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.