He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME