Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
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I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
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went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.