Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.