i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle