Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho