Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!