You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.