I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid