I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself