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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
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