I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch