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I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
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